Don't Look Back
by whyyouacknsocraycray
Summary: SPOILERS FOR THE END OF CHAPTER 6: Arthur had given him a chance to be with his family. John just needed to get to Copperhead Landing first. Also posted to AO3.


The dark bay mare snorts and stomps her hooves, and John freezes. He can't afford to have this horse run from him, not now. Not when the faint sounds of gunshots can still be heard in the distance, accompanied by the shouts of remaining Pinkerton Agents. Plus, given the fact that Micah and Dutch could still be here somewhere, John doesn't want to stick around.

"Easy, girl!" he says. The horse tosses her head, but he is able to grab the reins, letting up pressure on the bleeding gunshot wound he had suffered just a few hours ago. Honestly, he isn't sure how he is even moving at this point. Fear and anger had gotten him away from the Pinkertons and lawmen that had been following the train. Anger and betrayal had held him together as he walked back towards camp, eventually being found by Old Boy and riding the rest of the way. And, of course, Arthur had gotten him to this point. Arthur, who had stood against Dutch in the end. Arthur, who had ridden away with him, even as their horses died under them in their desperate escape. Arthur who stayed behind to give John this one chance to be with his family again.

The horse is still nervous, but now John doesn't have to worry about her running off. Getting in the saddle, now that is a different story! He groans as he pulls himself up, black spots appear in his vision even after he is seated, albeit slumped forward on the horse's neck. The hat he wears starts sliding away, and he panics, clutching it to his head.

Arthur's hat is a little too large for him, but he isn't going to let it go. He knows Arthur is dead. There is no way his brother could survive against all those lawmen, and Arthur knew that as well.

His arm is going numb. Distantly, John realizes just how bad that is. But he can't stop. Abigail waits at Copperhead Landing, with Sadie and his boy, Jack. He truly owes Arthur everything.

Turning to the south, he kicks the horse into a trot. He reaches into Arthur's satchel, looking for bandages and medicine. Arthur kept a few things, and he drinks from a bottle labeled Miracle Tonic. It brings his focus back up, blinking into the night until he can actually see the individual trees and bushes instead of the distant blur that had covered the back of his eyes for far too long.

He comes across a fork in the road, and he turns towards the east. If he reaches the river and follows it south, he will reach Copperhead Landing eventually. His only requirement now? Staying on this damn horse!

The sun had risen high in the morning sky by the time he sees water, and he tugs on the reins. But now, he can barely keep his head up. He feels the blood soaking his shoulder, sliding down his arm, and he's scared. Scared that he won't make it to see Abigail.

The landscape turns from mountains and forests to marshland, and he blinks up as he reaches the landing. Is Abigail there? Jack? Sadie? Is he even where he meant to be?

"Who goes there?" He hears the shout only distantly, but he recognizes the rough tone of Sadie Adler. They're here! They made it!

There is the sickening feeling as the horse below him disappears, air rushing by his head, and he slams face-first into the dirt. Footsteps pound into the ground, and a hand on his shoulder tries to turn him gently onto his back, but the person grabs the wrong shoulder, and he cries out.

"Marston?" says Sadie. He drags his eyes open, sees her long blond hair and hard face turning alarmed as she takes in his injuries and the fact that he's alive.

"Abigail? Where…" he whispers. But his vision is growing dark, even though its just after noon, and he can barely focus as the shouting starts.

"ABIGAIL! GET OUT HERE, IT'S JOHN!"

The loud noise causes him to flinch away, squeezing his eyes shut, and there are hands pressing into his arm. He hears the ripping sound, realizes that Sadie is tearing at his sleeves.

"John? JOHN! You're alive!"

And Abigail is there. Abigail is running over, he hears the soft sound of shoes stomping the grass, and he peels his eyes open to catch a glimpse of her face. Tears had stained her cheeks? What had made Abigail cry? Oh, wait. It was him.

"John, oh God, John! You'll be alright, you'll be OK!" she says. Sadie is all business, asking, "What happened, John?"

They are talking back and forth above him, but he can't follow the conversation. But he notices when they lift him up and his hat slides from his head. "Wait… that's Arthur's?" he mumbles.

"What was that, John?" He can't tell for sure which of the women said that.

"My hat… It's Arthur's… he gave it to me…"

"We won't lose it, John. I promise."

"He's my brother," he says, and he feels the hands move to lift him up, and everything goes dark.

* * *

_"John? Can you hear me? Are you awake?"_

He groans, barely an acknowledgment of the noise above him, but its enough. A cool, wet cloth is placed on his head, and he furrows his brow.

_"Sadie, I think he's coming around."_ He blinks, knows there are shapes moving above him. There are at least two of them.

_"Shit! Tilly, get over here! He's awake, we're going to need your help!"_

The hands shift, going to his shoulders, and they are pushing him into a soft surface. Its confusing and claustrophobic, people are too close and he isn't sure who they are.

Then his arm is on fire, and he screams. Bucking against the hands, he barely hears the curses of the women around him.

_"Stop! Struggling! Marston!"_

Something slides out of his arm, and his struggles cease as the fire dies down. His own panting breaths reach his ears, and the cloth is being dabbed against his forehead and neck.

_"Marston, you with us?"_ But it's too late, John is fading away.

The next time he returns to the surface, he's shivering. The air is too cold, and the cloth is back, and again there is a person with him, moving it across his face.

A voice reaches his ears, pleading. The voice sounds just as exhausted as he feels.

_"Just hold on, John. You'll be OK, you just have to keep breathing, alright?"_

He can't quite remember what happened this time, but he's scaring this girl. Abigail! He needs to tell Abigail something. It was important. What was it?

A hand squeezes his own, and he tries to squeeze back, fingers lightly curling around the others.

_"John?"_ But he's gone again.

The third time is worse. He feels the sweat covering his body, and he doesn't know where he is or what he is doing. But he knows what he needs to do.

"Arthur?" he asks.

_"It's alright, John."_ But that isn't Arthur's voice!

"Arthur!" he wants to shout, but it comes out more in a whimper. He tries to sit up, but he's too weak to fight against the people around him.

_"Keep still John! Please!"_

"Where's Arthur? Don't hurt Arthur, please!" he says. He needs to find his brother. Why did he leave Arthur, anyway? He knows that Arthur had told him to go, practically begged and ordered John to not look back, but he shouldn't have listened! He should have stayed!

But he remembers what Arthur said to him. Get out of here, and be a goddamn man!

"Abigail?" he whispers.

"I'm here, John."

He manages to open his eyes a sliver, and then all the way. Abigail looks terrible, her eyes red, the bags under them dark. He frowns.

"You are really sick, John, but I think you'll be OK," Abigail says, her hand stroking his cheek. She's been crying, that much he can tell.

But he's too tired, and she and the room fade away.

* * *

Sunlight is drifting lightly through a window, calm and comforting. Even though he has no idea where he is or how he got there, John feels himself relax a little. Abigail is there. She is fussing with the bandages covering his arm, not even aware yet that he is blinking up at her, a slight smile coming across his face.

"Abigail."

She jumps, but sighs with relief when she sees him awake and coherent. She places a hand across his forehead, and he leans into the touch.

"I think your fever has finally broken," she says. They sit in silence, Abigail picking at her hands until finally, she asks, "What happened, John? We thought you were dead!"

"Dutch left me to die. I was shot, fell off the train, and he just left me!" John says, and Abigail squeezes his hand.

"I went back to camp," he continues, "and Arthur was pointing a gun at Micah. But then Pinkertons showed up, and we ran."

He chokes on his next words. "Arthur told me to run and not look back. Said he would hold them off. Said I had to find you and Jack."

"We're alright, John. Me, you and Jack." She's crying, too.

"I think Arthur's dead, Abigail."

They sit quietly, not bothering to wipe the tears from their faces. Later, there's a knock on the door, and Tilly enters with an anxious Jack peering out from behind her. John quickly puts on a smile and calls the boy over. Jack runs and leaps into the bed, and John is able to hug his family, as difficult as it with one arm and flat on his back.

_Thank you, Arthur_, he thinks, listening to Abigail scold Jack for not being careful, and Tilly calling Sadie into the room, and just breathing in the fact that they are alive.

_Thank you._


End file.
